Was I just too young to notice?
Before we moved to Indiana, I did not know any women who had been divorced after a long marriage. I have met them here, though, and I find it unsettling that their worlds fell apart when they were around my age. What is it about middle age?
Two of these women were divorced because of blatant adultery on the part of their husbands. One had been married for thirty years. I don't know exactly how long the other had been married, but she had seven children. Her husband was an executive, and the divorce took her from an opulent life style to the lower middle class in a hurry. Why is this important enough to talk about now? Well, because of two conversations that I had yesterday.
One was with a woman who has been married the same amount of time that I have. She was telling me about her two honeymoons, one to Niagara falls right after the wedding (which took place on Sweetest Day), and the other to Hawaii at Christmas. Sounded pretty romantic to me, especially the Hawaii part since I have never been there, and she admitted that it was, but as she talked, she said that the whole marriage had gone downhill from there. How can you say that about twenty-seven years of your life?
The other conversation was with someone I know a lot better. She has been married almost twenty years and still has small children at home. There seems to be a lack of communication in her marriage, and while she has known that for a long time, she is really battling with it now. I told her that I was glad she trusted me enough to talk to me, but I was worried about her. Her response was that I should be worried. That was NOT what I had hoped to hear. As she talked, I heard her say that she needed to do something to save her marriage. But what? And how can she save it if she gets no help from her husband?
Having been married twenty-seven years, I am a lot less arrogant about maintaining marriage than I used to be. Sometimes the whole thing is hard work. Seldom is the division of that work 50-50. Hearing these stories, though, and knowing how hard it is to maintain the marriage dance, is a reason to reflect. I do not know what goes wrong with marriage in middle age;maybe it goes wrong long before. I do know that I do not like watching the effects of gravity on my body. As I notice the changes in my face, I think about what I can do to avoid them. I want my husband to be proud to be seen with me. If the physical changes that I face make me feel insecure, I am sure they do the same to him. But it isn't just the physical changes. Will we retire? When? Will there be enough money? Will we be healthy enough to enjoy it? These things weigh on both our minds as well. And in the quest to rid ourselves of the unease these thoughts cause, both of us could certainly make wrong choices. So on to my, and maybe every woman's secret fear: if it happens to people that I know, can it happen to me? Will it?
I guess there is no way of knowing. I used to think that if adultery were involved, that would be the end of things because trust would be gone, but I have been alive long enough now to know that trust can be rebuilt. I know that sins can be forgiven. And over the long haul, I know that marriage is something worth fighting for.
I guess I haven't reached a conclusion yet, and maybe there isn't one. I know that in this imperfect world marriages will end sometimes even if one partner doesn't want it that way. Maybe the difficulties marriages face in middle age is a grab for youth or for certainty in an uncertain world. Maybe it is easier to divorce your wife because she doesn't look like she did when you married her than it is to admit that you don't look the same either. Maybe people, marriages are just different, as diffent as the reasons for which they falter. Maybe people don't realize what they have until it is gone. Or maybe bad things just happen to people sometimes. And looking for explanations for all of them is an exercise in frustration. In the end, the only thng I can do for the people I know that are hurting is listen to them and pray for them and their marriages. And remain committed to my own.
For better or for worse.
Before we moved to Indiana, I did not know any women who had been divorced after a long marriage. I have met them here, though, and I find it unsettling that their worlds fell apart when they were around my age. What is it about middle age?
Two of these women were divorced because of blatant adultery on the part of their husbands. One had been married for thirty years. I don't know exactly how long the other had been married, but she had seven children. Her husband was an executive, and the divorce took her from an opulent life style to the lower middle class in a hurry. Why is this important enough to talk about now? Well, because of two conversations that I had yesterday.
One was with a woman who has been married the same amount of time that I have. She was telling me about her two honeymoons, one to Niagara falls right after the wedding (which took place on Sweetest Day), and the other to Hawaii at Christmas. Sounded pretty romantic to me, especially the Hawaii part since I have never been there, and she admitted that it was, but as she talked, she said that the whole marriage had gone downhill from there. How can you say that about twenty-seven years of your life?
The other conversation was with someone I know a lot better. She has been married almost twenty years and still has small children at home. There seems to be a lack of communication in her marriage, and while she has known that for a long time, she is really battling with it now. I told her that I was glad she trusted me enough to talk to me, but I was worried about her. Her response was that I should be worried. That was NOT what I had hoped to hear. As she talked, I heard her say that she needed to do something to save her marriage. But what? And how can she save it if she gets no help from her husband?
Having been married twenty-seven years, I am a lot less arrogant about maintaining marriage than I used to be. Sometimes the whole thing is hard work. Seldom is the division of that work 50-50. Hearing these stories, though, and knowing how hard it is to maintain the marriage dance, is a reason to reflect. I do not know what goes wrong with marriage in middle age;maybe it goes wrong long before. I do know that I do not like watching the effects of gravity on my body. As I notice the changes in my face, I think about what I can do to avoid them. I want my husband to be proud to be seen with me. If the physical changes that I face make me feel insecure, I am sure they do the same to him. But it isn't just the physical changes. Will we retire? When? Will there be enough money? Will we be healthy enough to enjoy it? These things weigh on both our minds as well. And in the quest to rid ourselves of the unease these thoughts cause, both of us could certainly make wrong choices. So on to my, and maybe every woman's secret fear: if it happens to people that I know, can it happen to me? Will it?
I guess there is no way of knowing. I used to think that if adultery were involved, that would be the end of things because trust would be gone, but I have been alive long enough now to know that trust can be rebuilt. I know that sins can be forgiven. And over the long haul, I know that marriage is something worth fighting for.
I guess I haven't reached a conclusion yet, and maybe there isn't one. I know that in this imperfect world marriages will end sometimes even if one partner doesn't want it that way. Maybe the difficulties marriages face in middle age is a grab for youth or for certainty in an uncertain world. Maybe it is easier to divorce your wife because she doesn't look like she did when you married her than it is to admit that you don't look the same either. Maybe people, marriages are just different, as diffent as the reasons for which they falter. Maybe people don't realize what they have until it is gone. Or maybe bad things just happen to people sometimes. And looking for explanations for all of them is an exercise in frustration. In the end, the only thng I can do for the people I know that are hurting is listen to them and pray for them and their marriages. And remain committed to my own.
For better or for worse.
You can skip to the end and leave a response.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home