My father wanted to know when the family reunion was going to be held this summer,so I contacted my cousin, who has helped with it the past two years. The reunion is in West Virginia and has been held for ninety-one years. My dad lives in Ohio, my cousin in Maryland.
I was dismayed but not surprised when my cousin got back to me and told me that she did not think there would be a reunion this year as she could not get anyone to help her. It is awfully hard to coordinate everything yourself when you don't live in the same state.
There has been a similar problem on my husband's side of the family. I have always enjoyed going to his reunions. They are a lot closer, and I got to know cousins, aunts and uncles that he had only talked about. As the older generation dies out, though, nobody else wants to take this one over either. My husband and I hosted it in the past, but we no longer live in Ohio, so we don't anymore. When my husband's Michigan relatives have tried to host the reunion, the attendance has been severely limited, mostly because of the distance involved.
What has happened to family support systems? To support systems in general? In my search to understand what happens with marriages in middle age, I stumbled across an article by James Dobson, an excerpt from his STRAIGHT TALK books. His explanation made sense, although I am sure a lot of feminists would throw rotten fruit at me for saying so.
The way I understood Dr. Dobson's explanation was that women are at the height of their usefulness when they are mothers, and often motherhood is in their twenties. Their husbands, however, have to climb the corporate ladder, so many of them do not reach the peaks in their careers until their forties and fifties. The problem with that is that the husbands are at their busiest when the children are leaving home and the wife is readjusting. So....who needs her? What is her purpose? Her husband can give her all the verbal reassurances in the world, but it is not the same as someone's physically needing her.
Dr. Dobson did not just talk to men. I read the section he addressed to women. He said that years ago, before families were spread out across the US, women got together to can and to quilt. They taught their daughters these skills, and they had the benefits of the years of female experience that were gathered with them. Such gatherings are a rarity today, and so women often do not have the emotional support they need. A lot of work friendships just don't cut it because, while you may be friendly with someone at work, a lot of the time you would be unwise to share the private details of your life with them. Besides--you see each other on workdays, but to see each other elsewhere requires a lot of effort and planning. Many people just don't take the time to bond outside the work environment.
I can see the truth in this. I am blessed with a husband who would send me off to walk with my best friend when we lived in Ohio. He knew that "solving the world's problems" would calm me down. Jackie and I didn't really solve anything, though. We just shared what was happening in our lives, and it was reassuring to know that we weren't alone.
I am no knowledge guru, so I don't know how to handle the lack of support in today's society. Speaking as someone who moved away from her support system, especially in middle age it is hard to break into groups which are already established. I think church provides some help, but what if it isn't Sunday? Is there really anyone you can call?
In a world where so many things are not for sure, my husband and I have always striven to assure our family that we, at least, were there for them to count on. Maybe that is all you can do.
But sometimes it sure does get lonely.
I was dismayed but not surprised when my cousin got back to me and told me that she did not think there would be a reunion this year as she could not get anyone to help her. It is awfully hard to coordinate everything yourself when you don't live in the same state.
There has been a similar problem on my husband's side of the family. I have always enjoyed going to his reunions. They are a lot closer, and I got to know cousins, aunts and uncles that he had only talked about. As the older generation dies out, though, nobody else wants to take this one over either. My husband and I hosted it in the past, but we no longer live in Ohio, so we don't anymore. When my husband's Michigan relatives have tried to host the reunion, the attendance has been severely limited, mostly because of the distance involved.
What has happened to family support systems? To support systems in general? In my search to understand what happens with marriages in middle age, I stumbled across an article by James Dobson, an excerpt from his STRAIGHT TALK books. His explanation made sense, although I am sure a lot of feminists would throw rotten fruit at me for saying so.
The way I understood Dr. Dobson's explanation was that women are at the height of their usefulness when they are mothers, and often motherhood is in their twenties. Their husbands, however, have to climb the corporate ladder, so many of them do not reach the peaks in their careers until their forties and fifties. The problem with that is that the husbands are at their busiest when the children are leaving home and the wife is readjusting. So....who needs her? What is her purpose? Her husband can give her all the verbal reassurances in the world, but it is not the same as someone's physically needing her.
Dr. Dobson did not just talk to men. I read the section he addressed to women. He said that years ago, before families were spread out across the US, women got together to can and to quilt. They taught their daughters these skills, and they had the benefits of the years of female experience that were gathered with them. Such gatherings are a rarity today, and so women often do not have the emotional support they need. A lot of work friendships just don't cut it because, while you may be friendly with someone at work, a lot of the time you would be unwise to share the private details of your life with them. Besides--you see each other on workdays, but to see each other elsewhere requires a lot of effort and planning. Many people just don't take the time to bond outside the work environment.
I can see the truth in this. I am blessed with a husband who would send me off to walk with my best friend when we lived in Ohio. He knew that "solving the world's problems" would calm me down. Jackie and I didn't really solve anything, though. We just shared what was happening in our lives, and it was reassuring to know that we weren't alone.
I am no knowledge guru, so I don't know how to handle the lack of support in today's society. Speaking as someone who moved away from her support system, especially in middle age it is hard to break into groups which are already established. I think church provides some help, but what if it isn't Sunday? Is there really anyone you can call?
In a world where so many things are not for sure, my husband and I have always striven to assure our family that we, at least, were there for them to count on. Maybe that is all you can do.
But sometimes it sure does get lonely.
You can skip to the end and leave a response.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home