It says in Ecclesiastes that there is nothing new under the sun, so I know that the problems wrong answers cause in life are not unique to me or to my generation, but they are still a pain.
A long time ago I gave a wrong answer that, for a while, sort of derailed my life. I wasn't even aware that what I had said was wrong, either.
The reason this is on my mind is because I have noticed that marriages go through stages, and in my observations it seems that the marriages of middle age have a hearing problem. This is the way it went in my case.
We moved to Indiana, which was not so bad, but it certainly did reduce the noise and the busyness in my life. The problem is that my husband had received a promotion to the job of his dreams, and it increased his busyness, both physically and mentally. Add to that the fact that sometimes we have a harder time remembering and listening as we get older and, well...things just got bad. I never thought that my husband did not love me, but I did think that I was something that he squeezed in the cracks of his life where he could, that I was not a priority. I don't care how long you have been married, that is not a good feeling.
Did I talk to him? Of course. Did he hear me? Not for a long, long time. It took a lot of disagreements and it took a lot out of both of us.
The reason I bring all this up is that during the course of our solving this particular marital issue, I said something that I shouldn't have. I said that I didn't think my husband would try to stop me if I walked out the door. He responded that he wouldn't because that appeared to be what I wanted. WRONG ANSWER!! What I wanted was to know that I mattered to him, to talk to him in the morning and have him remember what I said by suppertime.
We worked it out, although I am still not sure how. I think part of it was that one weekend, my husband appeared so stressed all he wanted was not to answer the phone. I thought he was on the verge of being really sick, and I complied. In the course of that weekend, just because we were at the right place, in the right situation, at a time when he COULD talk, he told me all that was going on at work and I began to understand his situation a little more. A lot more. He had so many things to occupy his brain that he really didn't have room for anything from me that was not an emergency. And he did not see this as a conflict because it was all tied up in his head with being a good provider, which he is, and making decisions that will affect both our lives. He knew he could let me slide and things probably wouldn't change. I tried to explain to him that drought threatens even plants that are securely rooted, but ...
Things are better now. I know to stop him and tell him that I need him to listen, and he knows a little more how I feel This is how I know he knows. He has been telling me about a man he knows whose wife left him, a couple about our age. The man has been trying to get his wife to move back home, but things aren't working out. Yesterday, he said the man finally opened up. He told my husband that he thought this was part of his wife's "menopause thing" and that he thought she was going to leave. This man told his wife that her leaving was not what he wanted, but if it would make her happy....
My husband said the whole thing gave him cold chills. We had been there so recently. He wanted to scream at the man that his answer was wrong, that he had to make it clear to his wife that he cared, but this was the first time the other man had opened up and he wasn't sure how to do it.
I wouldn't begin to advise. In my limited female experience, men are unique creatures when it comes to communication. Catch them at the right time and they can talk your ears off. Catch them at the wrong time, and both of you will be frustated.
This I do know, though. Marriage is sort of like a dance. Sometimes things go fast. Sometimes they go slow. Sometimes you step on one another's feet. And it hurts. In my own instance, I think it helped to listen more closely to the music, but there are a lot of times when the background noise of life shuts the music out, or at least distorts it.
I don't like to think about the wrong answers I know I will continue to give as long as I am on this earth, particularly since I can see the consequences to the people and sometimes the couples around me. I know what the consequences have been to me.
I guess you just have to pray that when you give the wrong answer, the other person involved loves you enough to hear what you meant. Not what you said.
A long time ago I gave a wrong answer that, for a while, sort of derailed my life. I wasn't even aware that what I had said was wrong, either.
The reason this is on my mind is because I have noticed that marriages go through stages, and in my observations it seems that the marriages of middle age have a hearing problem. This is the way it went in my case.
We moved to Indiana, which was not so bad, but it certainly did reduce the noise and the busyness in my life. The problem is that my husband had received a promotion to the job of his dreams, and it increased his busyness, both physically and mentally. Add to that the fact that sometimes we have a harder time remembering and listening as we get older and, well...things just got bad. I never thought that my husband did not love me, but I did think that I was something that he squeezed in the cracks of his life where he could, that I was not a priority. I don't care how long you have been married, that is not a good feeling.
Did I talk to him? Of course. Did he hear me? Not for a long, long time. It took a lot of disagreements and it took a lot out of both of us.
The reason I bring all this up is that during the course of our solving this particular marital issue, I said something that I shouldn't have. I said that I didn't think my husband would try to stop me if I walked out the door. He responded that he wouldn't because that appeared to be what I wanted. WRONG ANSWER!! What I wanted was to know that I mattered to him, to talk to him in the morning and have him remember what I said by suppertime.
We worked it out, although I am still not sure how. I think part of it was that one weekend, my husband appeared so stressed all he wanted was not to answer the phone. I thought he was on the verge of being really sick, and I complied. In the course of that weekend, just because we were at the right place, in the right situation, at a time when he COULD talk, he told me all that was going on at work and I began to understand his situation a little more. A lot more. He had so many things to occupy his brain that he really didn't have room for anything from me that was not an emergency. And he did not see this as a conflict because it was all tied up in his head with being a good provider, which he is, and making decisions that will affect both our lives. He knew he could let me slide and things probably wouldn't change. I tried to explain to him that drought threatens even plants that are securely rooted, but ...
Things are better now. I know to stop him and tell him that I need him to listen, and he knows a little more how I feel This is how I know he knows. He has been telling me about a man he knows whose wife left him, a couple about our age. The man has been trying to get his wife to move back home, but things aren't working out. Yesterday, he said the man finally opened up. He told my husband that he thought this was part of his wife's "menopause thing" and that he thought she was going to leave. This man told his wife that her leaving was not what he wanted, but if it would make her happy....
My husband said the whole thing gave him cold chills. We had been there so recently. He wanted to scream at the man that his answer was wrong, that he had to make it clear to his wife that he cared, but this was the first time the other man had opened up and he wasn't sure how to do it.
I wouldn't begin to advise. In my limited female experience, men are unique creatures when it comes to communication. Catch them at the right time and they can talk your ears off. Catch them at the wrong time, and both of you will be frustated.
This I do know, though. Marriage is sort of like a dance. Sometimes things go fast. Sometimes they go slow. Sometimes you step on one another's feet. And it hurts. In my own instance, I think it helped to listen more closely to the music, but there are a lot of times when the background noise of life shuts the music out, or at least distorts it.
I don't like to think about the wrong answers I know I will continue to give as long as I am on this earth, particularly since I can see the consequences to the people and sometimes the couples around me. I know what the consequences have been to me.
I guess you just have to pray that when you give the wrong answer, the other person involved loves you enough to hear what you meant. Not what you said.
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