This has been a sobering week for me. I think one of the differences between "young" people and those of us who are in middle age or beyond is that we know death happens. It becomes something that slaps us in the face with its reality.
It was with this in mind that my husband dragged me to a financial consultant on Monday. It had been a long day, and I didn't want to go, but truth be told, I would not have wanted to go anyway. Money doesn't mean as much to me as it does to my husband, so I would prefer that he make the decisions involving ours and keep me informed.
We have a portfolio of sorts, but it is not getting the rate of return my husband hoped for, and so he consulted an "expert". She will compile a portfolio based on the information we passed on to her. We passed on a lot. I think my husband was surprised by how much I knew (I don't think he thought that I really did listen), and I was surprised by how much we had accumulated. I am sure there are people who have a LOT more, but it was nice to see that the plugging away all these years has been fruitful.
Another woman and I were talking this morning about the necessity of our having all of this information. Her husband has kept her informed as well. We talked about a friend of hers who lost her husband suddenly two years ago. This woman's husband had not kept the house up, so two years after his death, she is still playing catch-up trying to get in a position to sell. He was also a pack rat, so she is still going through his things. She has family in Virginia, and we were wondering why she didn't just take the loss on the house and go to them. That is what we would do. We think. But we don't really know.
I think the survival issues in a marriage have to be dealt with by both husband and wife. Nothing is served by avoiding the issue; in all probability, we will not die with our husbands. One of us will predecease the other. I am grateful that my husband has been a good manager and that he keeps me informed (even though it is not my favorite activity.) The house might not look the way I want it to look, but there is nothing wrong with it that a coat of paint won't cure. Updates could be left to the next owner. They are often a matter of taste anyway.
What do I think my responsibility is here? Well, I have always tried to help spend the money that we have wisely, so I study what it means to be a good consumer. I nag my husband into taking care of himself, which is something he does not always thank me for, initially at any rate. I try to keep the house in order so that if something should happen to me, the task of sorting through the house would not totally overwhelm him. And we talk, reminding each other that we wouldn't mind if whoever was left remarried, that the kids and grandkids will still need us, that you should not bury yourself in work.
I have learned that talking about things is seldom the same as dealing with them in actuality, but it is at least a starting place. When you have built a life with someone, I am sure that the prospect of going on alone is pretty overwhelming. When I was younger, I read a book by Madeleine L'Engle called A TWO-PART INVENTION. The book is about her marriage, and in it L'Engle states that you should love your spouse enough to let them die first. When I first read that, I told my husband no, that I did NOT love him that much. Then I watched my dad after my mother died and, at least in theory, I would like to spare my husband that. Not that it is up to me.
I think survival must sometimes just mean that you endure, that you find a way to put one foot in front of the other and make your life mean something. I do not know what I will do in the event that I am faced with it. But I do think it helps to have a plan.
It was with this in mind that my husband dragged me to a financial consultant on Monday. It had been a long day, and I didn't want to go, but truth be told, I would not have wanted to go anyway. Money doesn't mean as much to me as it does to my husband, so I would prefer that he make the decisions involving ours and keep me informed.
We have a portfolio of sorts, but it is not getting the rate of return my husband hoped for, and so he consulted an "expert". She will compile a portfolio based on the information we passed on to her. We passed on a lot. I think my husband was surprised by how much I knew (I don't think he thought that I really did listen), and I was surprised by how much we had accumulated. I am sure there are people who have a LOT more, but it was nice to see that the plugging away all these years has been fruitful.
Another woman and I were talking this morning about the necessity of our having all of this information. Her husband has kept her informed as well. We talked about a friend of hers who lost her husband suddenly two years ago. This woman's husband had not kept the house up, so two years after his death, she is still playing catch-up trying to get in a position to sell. He was also a pack rat, so she is still going through his things. She has family in Virginia, and we were wondering why she didn't just take the loss on the house and go to them. That is what we would do. We think. But we don't really know.
I think the survival issues in a marriage have to be dealt with by both husband and wife. Nothing is served by avoiding the issue; in all probability, we will not die with our husbands. One of us will predecease the other. I am grateful that my husband has been a good manager and that he keeps me informed (even though it is not my favorite activity.) The house might not look the way I want it to look, but there is nothing wrong with it that a coat of paint won't cure. Updates could be left to the next owner. They are often a matter of taste anyway.
What do I think my responsibility is here? Well, I have always tried to help spend the money that we have wisely, so I study what it means to be a good consumer. I nag my husband into taking care of himself, which is something he does not always thank me for, initially at any rate. I try to keep the house in order so that if something should happen to me, the task of sorting through the house would not totally overwhelm him. And we talk, reminding each other that we wouldn't mind if whoever was left remarried, that the kids and grandkids will still need us, that you should not bury yourself in work.
I have learned that talking about things is seldom the same as dealing with them in actuality, but it is at least a starting place. When you have built a life with someone, I am sure that the prospect of going on alone is pretty overwhelming. When I was younger, I read a book by Madeleine L'Engle called A TWO-PART INVENTION. The book is about her marriage, and in it L'Engle states that you should love your spouse enough to let them die first. When I first read that, I told my husband no, that I did NOT love him that much. Then I watched my dad after my mother died and, at least in theory, I would like to spare my husband that. Not that it is up to me.
I think survival must sometimes just mean that you endure, that you find a way to put one foot in front of the other and make your life mean something. I do not know what I will do in the event that I am faced with it. But I do think it helps to have a plan.
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