I always thought it would be easier. Or maybe, truth be told, I didn't think about it at all.
There is a good article on destressing in the new READER'S DIGEST. It says to live in the now. I know this. I just have problems putting it into practice, remembering, as that ad on Christian radio says, that I am NOT the CEO of the universe.
My husband and I had several long talks about his over the long weekend, and not all of them were friendly. Stupidly, we thought we would bypass something that most couples our age have gone through, the "What Nows." We built a life together, we built a house together, we raised our children and they somehow managed to survive through college. What now?
I think it is easier for my husband because, with this job, he has what he always wanted. He has carried on the family tradition and is a third generation railroad supervisor. He has "made it." I question, though, whether I have.
This is probably not a fair assessment. I think because my mom became ill in her early forties, I really never made plans beyond that time in my live, and I did everything I planned up until that time. I feel like I have been "on call" in a sense since we moved here, running to and fro to meet the needs of this family member or that one. I don't resent it; I just wonder who I am, exactly, when they don't need me.
My husband says this is the time to pursue my writing, that he is not worried about medical issues like I am. OK. Live in the now. But I haven't had anything to say fiction-wise for quite a while, and although I find blogging to be quite cathartic, its audience is limited. I have a limited interest in marketing, so what exactly is the point?
If my over-arching goal is to serve the Lord, while I admit that is laudable and what it should be, I have found that such a goal, at least most of the time, does not involve long-range planning. That means that I have to give up knowing what will happen next. I am frustrated because, like Eve, I sort of want to orchestrate it, to make it better.
But if I am constantly looking for better, I will miss what is. I know this. I will miss looking into my newest grandson's eyes and wondering what he knows as he stares back into mine. I will miss the excitement I feel when my autistic student connects with what we are doing for the sum total of three seconds, and I will miss feeling the hope that next time he will connect for ten. I will miss the open-mouthed awe that I felt when my husband and I toured the West and the utter contentment I feel when he wraps his arms around me and kisses my forehead. I will miss....
Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Can I make the decision to REALLY do that? How much will my life change if I do?
There is a good article on destressing in the new READER'S DIGEST. It says to live in the now. I know this. I just have problems putting it into practice, remembering, as that ad on Christian radio says, that I am NOT the CEO of the universe.
My husband and I had several long talks about his over the long weekend, and not all of them were friendly. Stupidly, we thought we would bypass something that most couples our age have gone through, the "What Nows." We built a life together, we built a house together, we raised our children and they somehow managed to survive through college. What now?
I think it is easier for my husband because, with this job, he has what he always wanted. He has carried on the family tradition and is a third generation railroad supervisor. He has "made it." I question, though, whether I have.
This is probably not a fair assessment. I think because my mom became ill in her early forties, I really never made plans beyond that time in my live, and I did everything I planned up until that time. I feel like I have been "on call" in a sense since we moved here, running to and fro to meet the needs of this family member or that one. I don't resent it; I just wonder who I am, exactly, when they don't need me.
My husband says this is the time to pursue my writing, that he is not worried about medical issues like I am. OK. Live in the now. But I haven't had anything to say fiction-wise for quite a while, and although I find blogging to be quite cathartic, its audience is limited. I have a limited interest in marketing, so what exactly is the point?
If my over-arching goal is to serve the Lord, while I admit that is laudable and what it should be, I have found that such a goal, at least most of the time, does not involve long-range planning. That means that I have to give up knowing what will happen next. I am frustrated because, like Eve, I sort of want to orchestrate it, to make it better.
But if I am constantly looking for better, I will miss what is. I know this. I will miss looking into my newest grandson's eyes and wondering what he knows as he stares back into mine. I will miss the excitement I feel when my autistic student connects with what we are doing for the sum total of three seconds, and I will miss feeling the hope that next time he will connect for ten. I will miss the open-mouthed awe that I felt when my husband and I toured the West and the utter contentment I feel when he wraps his arms around me and kisses my forehead. I will miss....
Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Can I make the decision to REALLY do that? How much will my life change if I do?
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